I’ve Made Peace

As many of you know my sister is living with me. She moved out here in the middle of December with the goal that she’d be living with me while she went to school. The idea was that she’d live with me while she got her AA and then transferred either to my school for the remaining 2 years (since I can get her 50% reduced tuition) or somewhere of her choosing.

That plan hasn’t worked so well. Since moving to Kansas all she wants to do is move to Arizona to live with her boyfriend. He obviously wants this to happen. She wants it to happen. And now her mom is supportive of the plan. My sister has refused to make friends. She has refused to find a job here.  She does fine with her classes, but other than going to school she has intentionally made herself a recluse. Because all she wants is to be somewhere else.

I’ve decided that I yield. I can’t force someone to do the right thing, no matter how right I know it is. I can’t force someone to take a free place to live, free education, free books and be happy with it.

So I’ve decided that if going and living in Arizona is what she wants I am just going to make sure that she screws it up as little as possible. I’ll help her in the ways that I can by making sure she applies for a job, starts a savings account, and gets her admissions tests and application in to the school there correctly.

I’ve decided that as long as she’s happy and as long as she’s going to school than I’m going to be okay with it.

In essence, if this falls apart or succeeds I want her to know that it was her choice and no one else. But that if she wants to go back on that choice, I will be here for her.

I’ve decided that I will continue to help pay her tuition if she goes to school and continue to get her Chemistry books and continue to love her, but that’s as far as I’ll go. I won’t help her move. I won’t pay for gas for her to get there. I won’t do any of those things. That is her responsibility.

I have just decided that I won’t stand in her way, I’ll help her with the educational aspects. I hope that is enough for her cause I love the crap out of her and don’t think she’s making the smart decision. But this is something that she has to learn on her own. And who knows, maybe I’ll be wrong.

It is funny to think that 6 months ago she was as excited to get to Kansas as she is now to get to Arizona.

10 thoughts on “I’ve Made Peace

  1. This post made me sad. Probably because I remember what it was like to be a teenage and want nothing but to live with my boyfriend at the time, away from my family who was trying to help me. Your sister is only going to learn from her mistakes unfourtnately and you do have to let her do what shes going to do and hopefully she won’t make too bad of a mistake ( i.e getting pregnant and having a failed relationship, dropping out of school, etc). I think that is big of you still supporting her education though, your a good big sister! 🙂

  2. I wish I had a sister to look out for me when I was that age. I remember being young and “in love”. I made a very poor decision to move in with my bf and drop out of college when I was 22. I later went back and completed my degree but if I could tell my younger self a message it would be to run away from that BF as quick as I can! Unfortunately, at that time in my life I completely ignored anyone who thought they knew better than me. Although your can’t change your sister’s mind and she is bent on doing what she wants, it is wonderful that you are continuing to offer your love (and tuition money)- she’ll need it and later will realize what a great sister she has in you!

    1. Is it just me or does EVERY 17 year old girl face this decision?

      My BF when I was 17 also wanted me to stay with him and forgo my education. But at least I was logical enough to realize that my “love” when I was 17 would probably not last forever. We broke up about 2 weeks after I left for college.

      I wonder if the world is just separated between girls who made the choice to stay with their 17 year old BF and to move on with their education/lives?

  3. I think this is all you can do at this point. It’s very generous of you to consider to support her academically. I hope that encourages her to keep going in school because, if the boyfriend disapproved and she was responsible for it financially, I could imagine it being easy to quit school. I honestly hope we’re all wrong about this, that she ends up happy in Arizona and the boyfriend isn’t the mistake we all expect him to be. Please keep us updated. 🙂

  4. You’re too young to have this much responsibility.

    As a mother myself, though years away from these kind of headaches (as you should be), I cringe at the idea of a 17 year old living with a 21 year old, especially moving several states away to do so. (Heck, it’s not even LEGAL in the state I grew up in, though it probably is in Arizona.) Those two ages and life experiences are very different. And she’s obviously still very immature on top of that.

    I did marry my high school boyfriend. BUT. We made the choice to go to different universities. We knew that if it was going to last, it would last a separation period in which we grew up and became fully functioning adults. Everyone we knew who tried to do college together ended up breaking up after 2 years because the stress it put on the relationship was so great. Everyone who didn’t make sacrifices to stay together ended up getting married.

    But you are not her mother, you are her sister. This isn’t your job. It is unlikely that you could control her even if you got a heart attack putting your entire effort into doing so. Especially with her mother running interference, forcing you to be the only “bad guy.” Definitely don’t pay for her to move or help in those respects. If she can’t get that taken care of on her own, she has no idea of grown-up responsibility when someone else isn’t taking care of everything.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

    1. Exactly, I would L-O-V-E it if they would try to do the separation thing for two years while she gets her AA, he finishes his degree and then they can go where ever they’re going to go after that. If they can make it while apart (especially with Skype and FB and so many ways of communication) then she can save money, develop her adult skills, and get education.

      However, 17 year olds are very, very, very stubborn. And right now she’s intentionally sabotaging her life her so that she can be there. So, I can’t watch her self destruct anymore. She can go self destruct in her own ways. =)

  5. there really is no way to know if it’ll work out or not. I do think that 17 is a little young to be moving in with her 21 year old boyfriend, but I have a friend that at 18 married her 21 year old boyfriend, and they skipped town, he joined the military and now they are living happily in Texas. She doesn’t even have her high school diploma, but they are making it work.

    I hope for your sister, and you as well, that things all work out. We don’t always make the “right” decision, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it is the “wrong” decision either.

  6. It sounds like making peace is the best you can do in this tough situation. You’ve been very generous and caring, but you can’t make someone see what’s best for her. Finding peace is the only choice sometimes. My family gets all worked up about a certain family members’ behavior, and they don’t get why I don’t jump into the drama with both feet. I tell them that this person will do what she will do, whether we like it or not, and spending days in distress about it won’t change a thing. It’s made my life a lot calmer. Good luck with this situation-it’s tough, no matter how you slice it.

  7. It’s not the best situation I agree… But it might be the best one in the long run. You can’t make her stay and just love it. And you can’t make her decisions for her. Maybe she’ll be better off in Arizona. Maybe not – but she’ll likely learn from it if it goes awry. *knocks on wood* Who knows? But you’re being a good sister & I’m sure she knows that.

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