Ways to Piss Off Your Professor
February 22, 2011 13 Comments
I know that we professor’s seem so even keel most of the time. But I thought I’d give you dear readers a list of ways to really irk your professor – if that is what you’re after.
1. Give a lot of really crappy excuses for why you couldn’t do your assignment on time. Sure the professor told you about it two weeks ago, sure you could have started it immediately but instead decided to put it off, sure you only do things the night before, but that’s the professor’s fault that you couldn’t finish. Not yours. So make sure they know that the reason you couldn’t finish is because your computer was down that night, you had a stomach ache, or you were having emotional difficulty. Don’t think about the fact that you had at least two days to finish it and you chose to procrastinate. You definitely should get an extension because your excuse is really unique and the professor only hears it 10 times a day.
2. Don’t read the syllabus. Sure the professor goes over it in class the first day. But you just shoved that in your folder and forgot about it. Now when you do something against the syllabus and your professor says something, go ballistic “WAS THAT IN THE SYLLABUS?!” Yes, it was, did YOU read the syllabus? I know *I* read the syllabus seeing as how… I WROTE the darn thing. (Hint to the wise: it is valuable to re-read the syllabus every two weeks.)
3. Ask for office hours at ridiculous times. Sure the class is at 8am, why shouldn’t you email the professor at 2am asking for office hours with the professor at 7:30am? I mean, the professor lives their life just to answer your emails. We don’t eat, we don’t sleep. All we do is sit at our email, constantly refreshing it, hoping you’ll ask us to have office hours during a time when we’re usually doing last minute prep for the lecture you’re at. Also, another one of my favorites is asking for office hours on Saturday. This is my JOB, not my life. If I’m not offering you time outside of 9-5pm M-F, you shouldn’t ask for it.
4. Skip the lecture and then come in to office hours asking for the entire lecture over again. The class is early, you wanted to sleep in. No biggie, you’ll just go in to office hours and have the professor do the whole lecture over again JUST FOR YOU! Who wouldn’t want to give every lecture they’ve given 2-3 times.
5. Call me “Ms. SS4BC”. Look, I went to 5 years of graduate school at a top 10 research university. Then I did 2.5 years of post-doctoral research funded by an exceptionally prestigious fellowship. I published over 12 articles in 7 years – two of which were cover articles for the journals they were published in. Yah, I’m bragging here, but I didn’t do all of this so some chump who is making a D in the class and who probably shouldn’t even be in college can call me “Ms. SS4BC”. It is “Dr. SS4BC” or “Prof. SS4BC”. Also, don’t call me by my first name. Once I’m not your professor you can, but sorry undergrad, I worked for that title and I expect to be called by that title. That is the culture here, so why are you okay calling old man with white hair “Dr”, but I’m a “Ms”? Or even worse… call me “Yo, teach!”
6. Email me everyday asking me questions I already answered. No really, I love this. I love, love, love answering the same questions that I talked about in class, that I put on the syllabus, AND that I sent you an email about. I love that you conveniently didn’t pay attention any of those times and now you want the information and you’re too lazy to go ask someone else or to read your syllabus or read the emails I sent you or go to the class website for the information.
7. Ask me if you can get an A in the class when you’ve failed every exam and don’t do any of the assignments and there is only 3 weeks left in the class. No, you can’t. You probably won’t get a B or a C either, you may get a D, if you study your butt off for the final. Maybe.
8. Don’t study. If I hear one more student tell me that they don’t have time to read the book or do the 10 minutes of homework I assign after each lecture I may scream. Why are you in school if you don’t have any time to work on your classwork? You do realize that you should be spending 2 hours of time out of class studying for every 1 hour you are in lecture? That means as a professor I have the ability to assign you 2 hours of work each class period and not have to hear you bitch and moan about it. Instead I assign only 10 minutes of work and assume you’re mature enough to schedule the other hour and 50 minutes you need to spend when it is convenient for you. So don’t you DARE tell me you couldn’t find the 10 minutes to do the homework in the TWO DAYS that I give you to do it.
9. Be a douche. No really, this doesn’t actually make me angry. It just makes it really easy when you’re on the cusp between a B or an A to leave you at a B.
10. Never come to office hours. Office hours are silly. I mean, I schedule them for 4 hours every day in exceptionally convenient times, why would you want to come to them? It is better to sit in confusion in class, get frustrated that you don’t get the material, and then fail the exam miserably and exclaim to the world how much you hate the subject. Come to my office hours. I want you there. I want to help you understand the material. My JOB is to help you understand the material. Part of my responsibility is to make myself available for you. Part of your responsibility is to make sure that you take advantage of that. Come to my office hours. You WILL do better in the class if you do. Promise.